Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I'm Starting With The Woman In The Mirror I'm Asking Her To Change Her Ways

I should really do the next post on my Black Hole adventure (my friend was giving me grief for having the first two post not even be about our actual trip), but I have some other thoughts that have been weighing on my mind that want to spill forth from my tapping fingers.

Page from my sketchbook last year
If there is one thing I have learned in the past year (or even the past 6 months) about myself is that change freaks me out. Big time. The thought of change doesn't really do anything, that usually just sounds exciting and adventurous, but when that change actually happens my brain is all:

"Wwwhhoooaa there sister. What just happened here? We were totally fine just the way we were thank you very much. Now go cry in the corner and think about what you have done."

Then there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Ok, so it's more like listening to moody music and crying to my mom on the phone, but things happen. And it ain't pretty.

I realized that this breakdown syndrome happened to me every time I made a big change when I made the very rash decision to move about four months ago. I decided I was going to move on a Wednesday and I was completely moved out by that Saturday. My little sister was also at Primary Children's for a surgery at this time which meant I was up there visiting her and talking to my parents all week. Having their support, even if it was just verbal because they couldn't leave to help me move boxes, was so needed at that time. They were my lifeline, and even though it was so sad that my little sister had to go through what she did for surgery, I loved having them be a ten minute (if that) drive away. After getting all moved in on Saturday, Sunday was my first full day at the new place. It was also the day my sister was released from the hospital. The day they would all be leaving to go back down to Springville. I had a lot of homework to do as well, so after giving some hugs, I left the hospital to eat lunch and get settled. And that's when the craziness of the previous four days came crashing down on me. I couldn't handle it. What had I done? What was in store for me in this new place? I had been at my old apartment for almost two years. I had gotten use to everything (and honestly that was one of the reasons I felt like I needed to move). This move had sounded like a great idea three days before. But in that moment I just wanted it all to disappear. I had something to eat and rushed back up to the hospital for one extra hour with my parents before they left.

I cried.

I got hugged and told everything would be fine.

Then they left.

And you know what?

Everything was fine.

Was it perfect? No. Is it perfect now? Not really. But have I learned and grown and developed because of this rash change that I was prompted to make? Yes. That's the thing with change, it isn't always just bad or good. Sometimes there are changes that seem like they should create huge new waves in your life that in the end, don't really do all that much for it. Or at least it seems like they don't in the beginning. But I believe that every change and every new direction we turn in our lives, if we are trying to be guided by the spirit, will lead us where we need to be. That may not mean that moving into a new ward will equal an eternal companion or that you will never miss your hometown when you move to the big city, but if you will let it, change can be a beautiful thing that can open up your life to new experiences and new people that would never have been available to you had you stuck your head in the sand like an ostrich and refused to move.

And now I am facing another move, just fourish short months after my realization and I can say that going through the terror and frustration of that first move has truly opened me up to the opportunities change can bring rather than the disappointments. I've learned to look inside myself and tell that girl in the mirror that it's all going to work out. Will this move be perfect and take away all of my problems? I can almost guarantee the answer to that will be a no. But it will all work out because it has in the past and haven't we all been taught that history repeats itself?

Wish me luck.


1 comment:

  1. Change is hard!! Especially the moving kind of change. I actually want to move away from where I'm currently living--and yet I'm nervous about when the time that we actually do move will come--I know it will still be hard.